“People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.”
Recently I had someone really take against me (I know, hard to believe). I mean foaming at the mouth kind of angry. I had no idea why. I would have asked her, but she blocked me on social media. I thought through all our interactions, both direct and indirect, of which there had been very few. I drew a blank. I spoke to people who I thought might be able to shed some light and they couldn’t. A friend suggested that maybe this was more about her than it was about me.
I thought about that. I try to trust my gut and also seek the most simplest explanation for things, as often that is the best explanation. I thought about what I knew of this person and what I didn’t know. I reminded myself that we all have ‘triggers’, things that generate a strong emotional reaction out of proportion to the situation. We carry around assumptions of how things ought to be done, whether we realise it or not. We carry different values, hold different worldviews and take different interpretations of events, words and behaviours. Perhaps she had interpreted something I did or said, or didn’t do or say, negatively.
In the end I decided to stop spending my time and energy thinking about it. I would never see her again. Maybe she hates me. None of it has anything to do with me.
Sometimes though, we find ourselves in conflict with someone we want to continue to have a relationship with. It often helps in these circumstances to try to see things from the other person’s point of view. What is important to them? What might they be assuming? What are they afraid of? What are they hoping for? What do they want from you?
Equally it helps to understand your own values, motivations, hopes and fears and worldview so that you can be clear on your own needs and can navigate conflicts from a solid basis of self-understanding.
I work with people who wanting to have better relationships, whether that be with a friend, partner, spouse or lover, to understand themselves and others so they can have more fulfilling relationships.
I also recognise and celebrate the diversity of relationships whether that be polyamory, power dynamics or LGBTQ.
Ps – remember, people will love you too.
Thanks for reading. If you have any challenges with a relationship that you would like some support with, let’s have a chat about how I can help. I offer a free, no obligation, introductory session where you can experience my coaching firsthand.