You communicate your boundary (yes!) and then you might encounter a range of reactions and responses. In an ideal world, we hope that others will respond with acknowledgement and validation and respect for our boundaries. But that isn’t always the case!
I’m not going to cover every eventuality and possible reaction you might get here or this post would be waaaayyy too long. I am going to focus on some common reactions, like pushback, testing, defensiveness, rationalising/questioning and silent treatment.
Pushback
What it looks like: This is where someone resists your boundary. For example, maybe Jodie tells her mum that she needs to call ahead before she visits. Jodie’s mum says ‘I don’t think that’s fair on me.’
How to handle it: Acknowledge their concern and restate your boundary. For example ‘I understand you don’t like it. I still you need you to call ahead to ensure it’s a mutually convenient time’.
Testing
What it looks like: This is where someone tries to get one past you without you noticing. Children are very good at this! Maybe Leila tells her friend that she can only listen to her talking about her problems for 15 minutes. But Leila is only halfway through her issues after 15 minutes and wants to continue talking.
How to handle it: Name what is happening: ‘You are testing my limits’. If appropriate, share how you feel: ‘When you ignore my limit, I feel….’. And restate your boundary. Don’t go into an explanation of why you have the boundary – that will only give them ammunition to object to your boundary. And uphold your boundary.
Defensiveness
What it looks like: Challenging what you said or your character or making excuses for their behaviour. For example, they might deliberately miss the point, turn your request around to make a request of you, accuse you of attacking them or bring up past issues.
How to handle it: Clarify what your boundary is or issue of concern, for example ‘I am saying this, but I’m not saying that.’ Clarify how you want to be received, for example ‘I’m not accusing you of being horrible, I am saying that you are doing something in our relationship that feels bad to me. I want you to listen.’ If you start to feel confused, you are likely running into defences. Come back to your original issue. Write it down if it helps you keep on track. Notice any softening or dropping of defences so you can soften too.
Rationalising/Questioning
What it looks like: Challenging the reason for your boundary and its validity. For example, Rachel asks her partner Ben to no longer share details of her health issues with his parents. Ben asks ‘Why are things different now? I tell my parents everything. They know all about your health issue anyway.’
How to handle it: Restate your boundary and don’t go into explanations. You might say something like ‘This is what is right for me now.’
Silent treatment
What it looks like: They stop talking to you or they only give very short responses. They hope you will take back your boundary.
How to handle it: Name what you notice, for example ‘You seem upset by what I said. Can we talk about it?’ Challenge their behaviour.
Other peoples reactions to your boundaries are often so much more to do with them, than they are with you. And often people benefit from you not exercising your limits. It’s your job to take care of you by holding onto your boundaries, not getting re-directed, not over-explaining and being prepared to take action to uphold what matters to you.
What have you found works best in handling others responses to your boundaries? Comment below!